"Lollypop Man"

[anasazifilms]

Any feedback would be great on this 2 min short I've just written. I'll be shooting in the next couple of weeks.


LOLLYPOP MAN
A SHORT BY PHILIP HAWKINS

? 2003, Anasazi Films
www.anasazimedia.co.uk


1. TITLE. BLACK SCREEN.

We hear the SOUND OF A SQUEAKING SWING as our film title slowly fades up.

SLOW FADE INTO:

2. EXT. A PUBLIC PLAYGROUND. DAY.

Looking through a SLOWLY TURNING MERRY-GO-ROUND, a SIX YEAR OLD GIRL plays on the SWINGS. She wears a RED CARDIGAN. The sound of the squeaking swing remains audible throughout the scene.

We begin to subtly TRACK LEFT as MAN enters frame left and stops next to the swings. MAN, in his early 30?s, wears a SUIT and POLISHED BLACK SHOES.

MAN
Hi.


The GIRL DOES NOT REPLY, BUT LOOKS AT HIM CURIOUSLY continuing to SWING.

MAN
Where?s your mummy?


Girl POINTS to camera. MAN looks and turns back to her.

MAN
(pause)
Can I sit here?


MAN sits on the swing next to her. He holds onto both chains, slowly swinging.

MAN
Thank you.
(pause)
Would you like a lollypop?


MAN takes out a RED LOLLYPOP from his inside pocket and hands it to her.

The camera, still in the same continuous tracking shot, passes behind other playground equipment masking certain parts of the frame.

MAN
You know, the red ones are my
favourite.

A longer pause.

MAN
I have some bigger ones in my
car.
(beat)
Do you want to go and see?


The camera is OBSCURED for a moment. The SQUEAKING SWINGS STOP and we hear FOOTSTEPS walking away. We slowly track past the equipment blocking the frame? first to reveal GIRL?S swing is now empty. The slow tracking continues to reveal MAN?S swing. He remains there. He looks down to the floor. The red lollypop lies on the floor.

We slowly move into the lollypop.

MAN
(V.O)
Good morning class.

CUT TO:

3. INT. CLASSROOM. DAY.

MAN sits at the teachers desk in a classroom.

MAN
(cont.)
I?m just going to take the
register?


MAN continues to read out a list of names as we slowly fade to black.

End.

[belovedmonster]

i dont get it... if the guy kidnaps the girl i would get it, but he is sat there looking at a lollypop when the girl isnt there.

I also dont get it in terms of what is the piont of it? It seems like an excuse to film something creepy without any real reason to and without any plot. As a exercise in filming things this might well be good practise, having to shoot things to get across that foreboding tension, but as an exercise in writing something meaningful it suffers.

thirdly, on a technical level... you WRITE way too many THINGS in UPPERCASE, its DISTRACTING and looks very AMATEURISH. There are other minor formatting errors aswell but i wont be so anal to piont them out since i make loads myself and its the story that counts at this stage.

<font color="#a62a2a" size="1">[ December 23, 2003 10:04 AM: Message edited by: belovedmonster ]</font>

[anasazifilms]

The whole point of the film comes in two places. The first being that nothing happens physically but the idea that the man is trying to get something to happen... to suggest it. Its creepy, but suspensful. The disturbing nature of the script comes from what the audience mentally think what is going to happen... an anti-climax itself when it doesn't.

The second point comes at the end in the last scene... the idea that this paedophile is actually a teacher! That's disturbing in itself. To have the child abducted by him would be too 'hollywood'... too cliched.

And on formatting... writing in capital letters in scripts eigher highlights key pointers, actions or characters. Its how i've been taught to write and always have. I didn't bother centering the dialogue and other formatting in the post... it isn't like this in the actual script! [img]smile.gif[/img]

...but thanks for the feedback. It's heped clarified somethings for myself.

[belovedmonster]

well you have every right to defend your script but i think the anti climax as you put it is just confusing... it is never explained to us where the girl goes or what happens to her. He could of bundled her off into a car and then gone and sat back down. It seems less of an anticlimax therefore and more like a bad climax.

The school thing would perhaps of worked had the girl been kidnapped as one final big shocker. But it just doesnt work... whether thats the "anti climax" detroying the rhythm and ruining the following scene i dont know.

As for the UPPERCASE, yes i know its to emphasis certain parts but you have over used it to the piont of making every other word uppercase in some sentences. This is something i used to do myself, but its important to learn restraint when it comes to this. If every tiny piont is put in uppercase then it either detroys the flow of the sentence or it waters it down to the piont where uppercase no longer means something important it just means the subject and object and verb of every sentence.

[anasazifilms]

interesting point about "where does the girl go?". I think i'll add in a shot of her with her mother or something just before he looks down the the lollypop. THANKS for THAT. (he he [img]smile.gif[/img] )

[belovedmonster]

i dont wanna bang on about the uppercase thing but heres an example

"Looking through a SLOWLY TURNING MERRY-GO-ROUND, a SIX YEAR OLD GIRL plays on the SWINGS. She wears a RED CARDIGAN."

Why is Red cardigan in uppercase? Is it an important piont? No. I could argue the other pionts shouldnt be in uppercase either, cept for girl which is introducing the character and its customery to refer to the character in uppercase in the first instance... but even if you persuaded me the other stuff was important enough to be in uppercase RED CARDIGAN certainly isnt!

As for the anticlimax, i think if you showed the girl going back to her mum that would improve things alot.

<font color="#a62a2a" size="1">[ December 23, 2003 10:42 AM: Message edited by: belovedmonster ]</font>

[windowslaws]

i'm a fan of the ending. let the audience think for itself. i like the simplicity of the idea, the set up and then quick pay off. Its both a happy and sad ending. He doesn't get the kid but then you realise that, oh shit, he's a fucking teacher!

The only problem I see with short films like this, is that they are so short people don't get into the film quick enough so that by the time they are fully concentrating it ends. (personally though I like the length of it but my experience of audiences is not good in that respect!)

[anasazifilms]

I'm sorry, again, to enforce this uppercase business.... but RED CARDIGAN is an important point. Look at the dialogue later on...

MAN
You know, the red ones are my
favourite.


Imagery that would exist when watching the film (we see it is a red cardigan) but in the script I wanted to hightlight this point and thus put it in capital letters!

[anasazifilms]

...and thankyou windowlaws for your feedback.

[belovedmonster]

forgive me... i thought the dialogue refered to the RED LOLLYPOP not the RED CARDIGAN [img]graemlins/sure.gif[/img]